There’s more... 


Rewind

Can I go back in time

Let me rewind, time, rewind the clock
Backwards 
To erase those words, go back to when I know I messed up
 
I messed up
Aren’t you glad I said it
Finally giving up
It’s all my fault, I know it
To be true, so do you
 
I’ll eat my own words
I’ll even apologize
I’m sorry, please, let me go backwards
I’ll even admit to all my lies
 
I messed up
Aren’t you glad I said it
Finally giving up
It’s all my fault, I know it
To be true, so do you
 
I fall on my sword
On my own accord
I’m sorry, I’m sorry
I don’t deserve you, I know I’m not worthy
 
But if you’ll forgive me
My soul will be free
I know I know I know
I lost out, on all of your love
All you have to offer
 
But I’ll have you know,
I’d never do to you
What you’ve done to me
I know I messed up, but if roles were reversed, I’d still give you my love
 
I messed up
Aren’t you glad I said it
Finally giving up
It’s all my fault, I know it
To be true, so do you
 
I know I messed up, but if roles were reversed, I’d still give you all my love
 
I know I know I know
Now.

Thinking • Feeling

Woke up early, laying next to you

Better leave, leaving before I get you thinking 
‘Cause when you start thinking, then you start feeling
 
You think I am what you want, believe me, I’m not.
You think you know me, you’d never understand me, believe me.
 
As I make my way, way to my escape
You catch me at the door, right before
My hand on the handle, my thoughts you can’t handle
 
Asking me questions, why’re you so quick to leave? 
Love’s never been my intention, not for you and me.
 
And as soon as I’m gone, I know I don’t belong.
Your heart may be open, but mine is closed off.
 
I say I am
An open book
I’ll let you in
Let you have a look
All damn night 
But in the morning light
I’ll tell you anything you want to know
Just don’t hold on, you’ll have to let go
 
You think I am what you want, believe me, I’m not.
You think you know me, you’d never understand me, believe me.
 

I remember...

Remember that last expression 

On your face that day.
Saw in the mirror your reflection,
As I drove my car away.
 
Recall the tears streaming down your face,
Dripping down to the concrete.
Felt a hint of satisfaction, now you’ve finally had a taste. 
Finally got the same treatment, that you always gave Me.
 
Not gonna lie, I savored that moment, but only for just a moment.
I didn’t want to give in, fall back into your lap. It’s only a trap, somehow you pull me back.
 
Remember that last kiss, tasted your tear stained lips. I remember believing ‘this must be love’
Because no matter how many times we get torn apart, we find our way back. 
We know it’s not smart, never forgetting but always ignoring all the warning signs.
 
At what point does the torture reach it’s peak? And we meet our fate?
If it’s really love that we seek, why do we continue to settle for so much less.
One day it’ll reach the climax.
 
It’s like a competition for who can endure more.
You are my opposition, in this game of ‘love’, you so adore.
Somehow you’ve convinced me to continue to play, the same sick old game.

This is who I am

A year ago or so, I might’ve said that this ain’t me.

But somehow tonight, I don’t event think twice, somehow that can’t be right.
I was so naive, 
But now this is me.
This is who I’ve become,
I’m not like anyone.
 
I’m willing to take it,
I’ll take what I deserve and I’ll take what I don’t.
I’ll take what I can get.
 
Between every broken dream
And every fading fantasy
I’m hoping you remember me
End up forgotten with the autumn leaves
 
I often find myself pondering
On the woes of a past life
Often wondering what life could be like
Without you ever breaking my heart in the first place.
I like where it’s at, lost in outer space.
Compressed and inside out
Able to love, never 
Left alone and without
Desensitized, at the wrong end of the spectrum.
Analyzed by passers by, “doesn’t she drink too much rum?”
 
It’s like a stab with a knife, 
In all my life I never felt such a pain.
From someone you love,
How is it that I’m never enough?
 
 
So for now, I’ll drink your poison
I know it’s my right, it’s my life.
I have my reasons, don’t even question me
 

 


I don’t want to be a mystery

I don’t want it to be a mystery,

Can’t you see it in the way my eyes are glistening?
Every time you talk to me.
You notice how I’m always listening?
But you don’t even hear me, it’s like you just see right through me and into another.
I’m a magnifying glass, helping you
Helping you see, see what you need 
And it’s not me
 
Don’t you worry about me anyway,
You never meant a thing to me,
I just didn’t want to be alone that day.
You’re nothing special, believe you me.
Nothings quicker than the way my hearts fades,
In and out like a flickering flame.
The way you treat me, and play with my heart and emotions, well let’s just say:
 
This will be the last time I let anyone take advantage of my smile. 
I don’t owe you or anyone anything. 
I’ve been to busy caring when all the while
You’ve been taking it all taking my everything. Using me, for what you need. And never did you even think of me.
 
You’re damn right I’m angry, I just want somebody to take care of.
Someone I can hold, until we get old. 
I guess that life just isn’t for me.
 
You don’t mean nothing to me 
But I guess sometimes that means something.

 


Devil eyes

He could see the devil in her eyes as they scanned him up and down from across the room. They had this sparkle. If a look had words, hers would be a novel. He watched her as she bit her lower lip, as if in a trance. What I would do to read those thoughts. He tried to look busy, keep focused on some papers he rustled on his desk. She kept busy, typing away. Still an utter distraction, battling his own mind. Trying to not think of all the things he wanted to do to her. He wished he could. Just to feel her soft skin against his. He adjusted his glasses as they fell forward, looking down at his desk. He collected himself and cleared his throat. Alright. Focus. She’s only a woman. A woman he could never have. Untouchable. That made it even more frustrating. He could never have her... only in his mind. 

 

Copyright 2018 ©️


Rape

Sun shining through the curtains. Muffled sounds from the next room. Water pouring in the sink. He’s brushing his teeth in the bathroom. A brief moment of confusion. Wondering where she was. And like a jolt of adrenaline being stabbed directly into her heart. She looks to her left and her jeans and underwear. There. On the floor. She looked down. Blouse still intact. Vomit on her chest and sleeves. She looked around. Her recollection came flooding back. Her pleas for him to stop. While he was on top. Paralyzed. “Please stop.” Mumbling from her lips and she struggled to turn her head. Her hands and body like weights unable to move. Completely paralyzed. “You want this. Just kiss me. It’s okay.” He forced. Then black. Blacking out into unaware bliss. Coming back to, again. “What-“ again. Still unable to move. One lamp lighting the room from the corner created an eerie glow. “Please... get the fuck off of me.” She struggled. Her neck rolling. He continued his motions. Still kissing her, hands crept up her shirt. Him in and out of her. “Please-“ she couldn’t even cry. Drugged. There’s no other explanation. Betrayal. From a man she thought she could trust. A man, supposed to be her brother, supposed to trust in battle. The struggle faded into black. Bliss. Sleep. That only reoccurred a few more times until she slept for the night. Realizing that morning what had happened. She pulled the sheets over around her. What does she do? Her ears ringing for a moment. For a minute just utter silence as if time was frozen as she stared down at the floor. At nothing in particular at all. Just in a trance. Almost scared for her life. Why would she be scared? He wouldn’t hurt her. At least not physically... she didn’t think. He had already hurt her physically, almost in the worst way one human could do to another besides death. He stepped out of the bathroom into his room where she sat, paralyzed in her memories. “Come on! Gotta get ready sweetheart, I got to get to work.” He continued brushing his teeth. Nonchalant. Like as if she didn’t remember. She carefully lowered her lower part of her naked body out of the bed. Her toes cold, reaching the carpet. She couldn’t even look at him. Couldn’t look at this man in his eyes. Betrayal. Utter betrayal. She struggled not to cry as she slid on her underwear and stepped into her jeans. Grabbing her things and quickly exiting the house down the steps down to her car. 

That was rape. 
No one would ever believe me, would they?
The lack of evidence.
Her head spinning.
I can’t ruin his life. 
I love him like a father, like a brother. 
He has a son.
He has important things to take care of.
It’s just sex isn’t it?
No. It’s not sex. He took that from me.
I didn't. I did NOT give him that.
I did not, nor would I have allowed it.
I never owed him anything.
And he took something I never intended to share with him. A piece of me that isn’t free for just anyone.
Like he stole a piece of my soul. 
He did. Or at least he tried. That fucker.
Now as the day sets in things become clearer.
I’m not going to fuck up his life.
He already fucked up his life.
 
Copyright 2018 ©️

Her

He saw her face. Heart in his throat and blood racing, he couldn’t look away. It wasn’t just her beauty or her confident demeanor. It wasn’t her eyes that always managed to carry this glow this- this- sparkle. It wasn’t her lips, he’d kissed under many moons. It wasn’t any of that. It was her. Her soul. It was like seeing her opened up this fiery pit that’s usually left on idle. He hadn’t felt that since he’d been with her. He’d never truly admitted to anyone, he’d hardly come to terms with it himself, not even allowing those thoughts to enter his brain. How he’d made a huge mistake, losing her. Letting her go. The one who got away. Truly got away. She couldn’t be controlled. She couldn’t be contained. At least not by his jealous snarl of an embrace. She was unaware of his presence as he watched her finish checking out at the grocery store counter. She smiled her million dollar smile at the sales clerk, nodding as she thanked them. He looked away as he walked outside to his car. She followed behind him. Still unaware of him. He paused at the car door as he took one last glance. His heart doing funny things, beating too fast and jumping back to his throat. Almost like anger bubbling up within him. Anger at himself for even feeling such a way. Then as he looked down to unlock his door she noticed him. Barely. Almost missed him. Quickly turning away as she realized who he was. Wondering if he had noticed her. Her heart doing funny things. Bubbling up almost like anger in her throat. Almost tears. She continued to smile as she unlocked her car door and slid inside. She wondered what would happen if she said hello. He wouldn’t be too nice. He’d make some cutting remark. Some underhanded statement about her life or her job. She wouldn’t ever. He’d probably just end up laughing and walking away. He watched as she pulled out of the parking lot. Just two old lovers, passing each other by. 

 

Copyright 2018 ©️


Fire

Do you feel that fire between us?

It’s like -
Nothing anyone’s felt before
Nothing like anyone’s ever had before 
 
It’s like there’s a fire it’s only for us
Only for you and I 
This lust, this fire only felt by us
Only by you and I 
 
Ima need you to 
Slow down
Ima need you to
Go down, down 
Slow down, go slow
 
Seems my heads no longer thinking 
My body’s taken over 
Embracing the flame, embracing the heat
 
Ima need you to 
Slow down
Ima need you to
Go slow, slow 
Go down, slow down
 
Making me feel things
Do things, do things
My body’s never done before
I wasn’t sure I was ready to explore
 
It’s like there’s a fire it’s only for us
Only for you and I 
This lust, this fire only felt by us
Only by you and I 
 
Ima need you to 
Slow down
Ima need you to
Go down, down 
Slow down, go slow
Go down, slow down
 
Copyright 2018 ©️

Loving you

Loving you-

Is hard because my momma tells me I need someone who loves me too
Sadly sir I think she’s right
My mom’s always right, ain’t she?
See baby I know it’s tough
It’s so hard to let you go
When I lift up my rose colored shades I see
This ain’t love baby
Loving you-
It just ain’t right for me anymore
All these memories
That’s all they are they’re just
Memories 
Anyone could see but me
Why is it so easy for you?
I was going to move on baby but I’m just too busy still loving you
Loving, yeah I’m loving you
Loving you is hard because my momma tells me I need someone who-
Loves me too.
 
Copyright 2018 ©️

Galaxies

And when I look into your eyes

It’s like I’m swimming through galaxies
Stars shining bright within you
Through you
Out of you 
That sparkle in your eyes
They’re like shooting stars
Shining bright from deep within your soul 
All just gathered in just one glance
Now I’m in a trance
Who knew I could go so far
When I’m just standing right here
I don’t need to be anywhere but here
Your soul is the only wave I need to surf
I only need you for my soul to travel so far
 
Copyright 2018 ©️

This is your life...

Energies flowing through me

Running, coursing through with the blood in my veins
Sad thoughts being replaced with positive energy 
Embracing the flow, leaning into it
Being caught in the wind
My soul
Dancing in the darkness 
Screaming into the silence
Enduring pain for progress
Perseverance is never expected
I am me
I am human 
 
Copyright 2018 ©️

All those little lies

You used to look me in the eyes, and tell me all these lies.

You said I was special, you said I was beautiful.
Tender kisses under gray skies. 
The winter air was barely there, with me in your arms.
You held me tight, and kissed me all night.
You couldn't get enough of me, now you get too much.
I see you once a week, maybe twice - if I'm lucky.
That flame that you lit inside me is dying, the spark in my eye is faded completely. 
Dreams of how things once were still linger in corners of my brain. 
That's what makes it hard to let go.
The way you once made me feel.
And I know you felt it too.
Now it's just a memory, and a love story that went sour somewhere along the way.
It's as if you are trying to not love me anymore, like it's wrong.
You're unknowingly pushing me away, so I knowingly pushed you away.
 
Copyright 2014 ©️

Nostalgia

I hate being alone this time of year. Nostalgia wraps around your body like the heavy coats you wear. The brisk chill that shoots through your entire body as you walk out the door is a friendly reminder that no one is there to wrap their arm around you. The sadness has nowhere to go, nowhere to be buried. There is no cap for it, it's a shallow creek of memories. There are many, there are plenty, constantly flowing. However you cannot hide it anymore. It's fall but it feels like winter lately,in the morning. It's even colder without you, or so it seems. I'm bluer than the morning sky. There's nothing more that I want than to shine again. To unwrap the nostalgia that's burrowed it's way into my bones, aching. I don't want to forget, they are lovely memories. I just don't want to care so much anymore, however that's why the cold is here. To help you to not forget, to remind. 

There's an emptiness that inwraps inside, it's quiet and still. Almost peaceful, however it's so daunting and you feel even more alone than you actually are. Your thoughts are loud and many, so you crave to be alone even though it makes things worse. You don't have to worry about drifting off or zoning out of someone's boring and ill kept conversation. You don't want to be there anyways. You would rather get lost in your thoughts again, and so would I.
 
Copyright 2013 ©️

Hurt again

He was afraid to fall in love. He knew just by coming to see her, entering her world, it would be all over. Just like he had once before, but with someone else. Someone who broke his heart, twisted and warped his beliefs on what love was. He could smile, laugh and joke in her presence. That was no thing, but he could only give so much. Giving much more was unthinking at the moment. It had almost been a year for him since that dreadful night when he caught his ex with someone else. Almost a year since he figured out the truth, figured out how it all made sense now. How she had only reached her arm out so far and he was reaching most of the way, her barely holding on just with her fingertips looking the opposite direction. Just enough to keep him guessing, keep him coming back for more. It all made sense now, and yet now there were even more questions.

Now he was moving on, or trying to at least. His heart hardened, yet still yearning for that love he thought he had before. 
It's a strange thing, once you've fallen out of love, if you're lucky enough, you still believe in it. The only bad thing is that you're timid now, like standing on the edge of a cliff looking over. Do you take that leap again? What if this time there's no water at the bottom? Or you make it safely into the water but your death awaits you at the bottom. You jump, struggling to make it up until that first breath is attained. There's now that terrifying uncertainty. The first time is always exciting, it was searching the unknown. Now you've been through a few battles and you've seen some things. And now here is someone new, also bruised and battered from her own heartbreak. Her smile lights up a room but underneath that smile is a broken girl. Peel away the layers like an onion and discover a heart so desperately trying to beat and believe in the good and love and beautiful things they tell you is out there in the world but it's covered in smut and scrapes. Wounds that are still healing, some festered. So here they are, two beautiful people standing there before each other. Beautiful on the outside with eyes that could kill, broken on the inside and having to trust one another to not hurt the other like they've been hurt again.
 
Copyright 2017 ©️